I woke this morning to grief…unsure even what it belonged to. Just grief and energy running through the body, through the soles of my feet, my palms. For a moment, I lay there and let it move through my body–felt the sadness, the sorrow, and then the light, the day rising into itself outside the window. And though I tried, I couldn’t really understand what the grief was about, the reason for it–Was it the letting go of so much in the last months, the last year? The sorrow and sense of loss of no communication with T.? The fear of not knowing what lay ahead? The fear of ‘thinking’ I was foolish, trusting so much in something I could only feel and hardly fully name?
I couldn’t say… The thoughts just went round and round in my head…
The thoughts were the mind trying to ‘think’ it through, to ‘reason out’ the feelings, to ‘justify’ them based upon some prior known experience. Because somehow, we believe–even unconsciously–if we can ‘think’ it through and find an external reason for the grief, or the sadness, or the suffering, we then have ‘control’ over it, even if it’s only ‘justification’. But we forget that ‘feeling’ has its own intelligence, its own knowing, its own way of moving us into insight.
‘Justification’ allows us to believe we are somehow ‘right’ in our feeling, in our experience, and we want to be ‘right’ because that means we are somehow in control of who we are, in the experience of who we are at that moment, and because we are in control, we can change it, we can reign it in, wrestle it down to the ground and do something to alleviate it.
Ah…that beautiful, mind-centered personality that wants to be in control, that thinks it needs to be in control… That beautiful mind-centered personality who believes that knowing something through the mind, figuring it out through the mind, means everything is alright, and that she/I am justified, somehow right, in feeling what I’m feeling. And being ‘right’ also means being in ‘control’.
We don’t want to have feelings we don’t understand–it frightens us.
But feeling is an intelligence in itself. Part of the intelligence of the body, and it is directly connected to our energetic body through our sympathetic nervous system. We need only grow more fluent in learning its body, somatic, language. The more fluent we become in the feeling of feeling, the discerning of feeling, the less we feel ‘frightened’ of feeling, the less we feel we might not be in control, the less we think ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, and instead, we become curious about what the feeling is trying to show us about ourselves, who we are, what might need healing, or reviewing in our lives because it no longer serves us, no longer serves our highest good.
And sometimes, we won’t know why it is we are feeling what we feel. We might only understand later, after we’ve allowed ourselves to feel and release the emotional energy seeking outlet through the body. For emotions are energy-in-motion. E-motion. And sometimes, it’s enough just to be present to the emotion, allow it–without fearing it, without acting it out and spreading it around in our environment and onto whomever happens to be present. We don’t have to ‘project it’ onto something outside ourselves, for we don't know how far back it's coming from in time, in history.
Instead, we can allow it, and hold it.
Allow it… and be with it until we’re ready to truly release it. To be with it, we can simply invite it in. Invite it, and the aspect of ourselves feeling it–the one who is feeling it–into our hearts:
“I invite you in, Allannah…I invite you in... with open arms… I invite you in with love…”
You see, when we use our names, the Mindful Heart reminds us, we activate, connect with, the awareness of the higher self, the Soul self, as it recognizes the personality self in name–the purely human self with a name, a life in the world, the self that seeks control, seeks reason, seeks justification out of fear of somehow ‘being’ wrong. But we are never wrong–we feel what we feel so it can show us something about who and what we are—expectations we hold that no longer serve us, beliefs that no longer ‘fit’ who we’ve become, and where in our lives we are allowing others to define our worth, our value.
When we invite ourselves into our hearts and welcome in whatever aspect of ourselves in that moment is feeling grief, hurt, pain, anger, etc…we can hold the grief, the sorrow, the pain, the loss, the anger–whatever emotion it is–with love. We claim it in a higher way, because our higher self, our Soul self, has only love for us…only love… And it does not fear, it does not feel fear–it is not aligned with the vibration of fear, so it is not afraid of the emotion. And it will help us hold and be with whatever it is we are experiencing.
In fact, when we allow ourselves–the part of us in pain, anger, etc.– to be invited into our hearts, the Soul self, our higher self, ‘compassionates’ our human personality self: It whispers, “It’s Ok. We’ve got this. We’re here with you…Let us hold this with you…” And we can breathe through the release of it. We can feel the reassurance that we are alright, that we are Ok…
To ‘compassionate’ is to hold and feel with–not have sorrow for or pity for. And in that ‘co-passion,’ the personality self, the purely human self, also then gets to experience the love of the higher self, the Soul self, connected to the Divine. And it is this love for the personality self that enables, activates, true release.
Your higher self, your Soul self is able to hold and be with you and the emotion in tenderness, in love….and in Joy…no matter what the emotion, for the anger soon becomes fear, then disappointment, grief, and then compassion that leads to insight…
So, when I finally gave up later in the day trying to ‘figure out’ what the emotion belonged to, what experience in my life it was related to… Joy smiled through the tears. Joy laughed in my body even as tears trickled down my cheeks and the grief washed over me…
Allowing means accepting, and being with, allowing ourselves to be with our higher self, and with the grief–tenderly, compassionately… And this doesn’t mean that we go into the world of acting out the grief: weeping, sulking, walking around as if the entire world itself is sad and saying “Whoa is me..” It’s when we can be with an emotion without the need to project it outward onto some situation or someone or some disappointment that release and true understanding, insight, can come, for we are able to look at it then in relation to ourselves, and ourselves alone.
And understanding may not come in that moment, it may come later when we are truly ready to see it, when we can hold it vibrationally in our body, in our physical bodies as integrated knowing, as part of the wisdom of who we are.
When I got out of bed, I was nowhere near ‘allowing’. I was in pain, sorrow–and resistance. I was trying to reason the grief through, push it down, stuff it away... My first thoughts were, “Well, if I just get up and just get this day started, I’ll feel better. I’ll feel joy again. I just need to get this body moving.” And so the day began: shower, coffee, short dog walk before a longer one later in the day. Then sit down and do some work.
Getting the body moving can be useful–it can help reduce the energies of the resistance to the emotion. It can offer a way for the energies of the emotion to release. But, if we use the physical body’s movement to fuel the resistance, to ignore the emotion, we’re only pushing the emotion further down into the regions of our unconscious or further down into the body by smothering it with exercise and creating in the long run what is more unrecognized stress, tension in the body.
It was almost 11am before I finally gave in and simply said, “Stop, Allannah. Just stop. Walk. Stop trying to write, work, stop trying to be productive in the ways you want to be productive but are barely achieving any progress in at all. Be productive instead by walking, by allowing, by not resisting… Just let it go…” Always the fear in resistance that we’ll be shown the truth