There's always a love story...


I am 'forcing' myself to write this post today–mostly because it’s not good enough, not right enough, not honest enough, to write only on the ‘good’ days. The days that feel like splendor and truth and grace and love. The day’s when a depth of perception and love shimmer through.


Today, I woke tired. And feel the intense energies it’s taken to arrive here in this moment of time.


Today, it’s the entirely human, Allannah. The personality self in her full measure.


Finally, my hands–after loads of hand cream and rubbing–are beginning to feel ‘normal’ again after all the sorting, packing, storing, and cleaning of preparing for this journey. Not to mention the number of bruises the hands and legs take from lifting boxes and more, even though I had lots of assistance. But the body’s time, the body’s needs catch up with us. And when I woke this morning in an Airbnb (Ray’s) just on the northern outskirts of Santa Fe so that Ruby and I could wake and walk into the landscape, I knew already the hours today would be different than the previous days of driving.


For some reason, I knew I was driving somewhat ‘directively’ to get to the southwest. For whatever reason, my spirit needed to be in this landscape, this open space couched in by the Sangre De Cristo and Santa Fe Mountains. I needed to look out over the dust and scrub and pine and wide sky.


Today, Ruby and I started our day as usual: rise, walk down the arroyo and throw a stick, then return, feed her, sit, meditate, listen to a channeled session by either Lee Harris or Paul Selig, then read a bit with coffee. Then it’s 10:00am or 10:30.


I wanted to slow all of this down today. I literally wanted ‘time’ to stop–to just stop moving, being…


Why?


Because no matter how much we do things for ourselves, know we’re doing something for ourselves, there’s always too a ‘love story’–whether its spiritual in nature, or friendships, or family related, professional, or romantic…


There’s always a love story…


We live in a world of connections.


And at our best, those connections are filled with the light and love of our connection to Source. At other moments, the sadness we experience around them, the confusion, the anger, the separation we feel is a reflection of ourselves being shown something about ourselves we may not want to see–because sometimes, it just downright hurts. Sometimes, the anger and confusion–like an angry lover or child–wants to have its way with us. And so we let it—at least internally for a while.


And we let it–not because we’re bad or wrong…but because we do love…as best we can…


And most of us, we try really not to let that anger and confusion and hurt splash out on others. We try not to ‘act out’ the emotions. Rather, we try to be the witness for ourselves: we try to witness what we are experiencing without needing to jump on its bandwagon and dump it all out into the world or the person or persons or situation it’s connected to. It doesn’t mean we don’t feel, experience, the emotion. We simply try to hold it, be a witness to it as it moves through us.


And if we’re really being conscious about it, awake about it, we can sometimes even not be judgmental towards ourselves in relation to the emotions–we simply hold them tenderly knowing that those energies are coursing through the body like little shock waves rippling out into and through our energetic field. We can allow them to release with calm, ease, grace…

To be our own witness–with tenderness, compassion, kindness…it’s a pretty powerful thing.


“I invite you in, Allannah, with open arms. I invite you in with love….”


And then to sit there and be with whoever the one she is at that moment who is hurting or in anger. To allow her to experience it and then to let it all go in the presence of our higher self as witness.


I wish I were better at it...


That’s what The Mindful Heart invites us to do when we are struggling with emotion–to invite ourselves in and ‘compassionate’ ourselves. Have compassion for ourselves–instead of trying to push it away or tamp it down or judge ourselves for having, experiencing, the emotions. Somehow, we think ‘being spiritual’ we shouldn’t have all the emotions, shouldn’t struggle with them. But that’s a false reality, a false truism. The Mindful Heart reminds us all the time that we need the full scale of emotions–all the notes–to truly know ourselves, to truly be able to sing the song of our Soul being.


I once heard a Buddhist monk say, “It’s not that we don’t experience the emotions–we experience them, are more conscious of experiencing them because we’re not acting them out, moving them out into the world; instead, we are being present to them and what wants to be released through them.” Thus, all the structures of the monastery, the daily routines, the focused attention on tasks, the monk’s habit–to help hold the flow of emotions in stillness without ushering them out towards others. Instead, to create, to wear a habit, to be a container to hold them, witness them, and see what they might be trying to show us.


But today, I’ve struggled to do any of that. I’ve had to ‘fight’ wanting to write a brief, concise, email: “I am so angry at you… And even more angry at myself.” So, instead, I'm writing here...choosing me, choosing Love instead...


Love–it can do that to you. Or, we can do that to ourselves…


It doesn’t matter if it’s a mother, a son, a husband, a friend, a co-worker, or a romantic partner…It’s the connection that actually shows us the love and sets up the opportunity for growth and insight–and usually not about the other but about ourselves.


I have heard the “Zs”, channeled by Lee Harris, say, that many of us are in love with the potential of another, the potential of what exists between two human beings–but that we’re actually not seeing, looking at the actions or lack of actions themselves, what really exists, so we operate in expectations that have no grounded reality, we operate through a potential ideal. Well, if there were a Grand Canyon of ‘potential’, believe-me-you, I took a beautiful reverse, inward, twisting dive right off the potential high diving platform. I’d say, I probably scored pretty high on the perfection score–I stayed in that dive a very long time… too long…


But what I want to say too…is that I do not regret it…none of it...


What I want to say is that I don’t feel a need to forgive this man…it’s more about me… acknowledging the gifts of the relationship, acknowledging what I needed to learn, and what the relationship was and wasn’t. Nobody gets off the hook–he’ll have to deal with his own participation in the relationship–and there was a relationship, one deep in potential….One deep with love… but neither he, nor I, could seem to pull ourselves out of ‘the potential’ and into the real…


And let me be clear…part of my anger with myself is that I knew months ago that I was suppose to drive west–I just didn’t know why, so I kept putting