I walk Ruby north on a dirt road this morning instead of heading south into the hills. We walk slowly taking in the expanse of the sky, and then head out to visit the Emus with the deep, guttural soundings of the females vibrating on the air like a small drumming. The sound touches Ruby and I deeply in our bodies, in our solar plexus’ and along the back of our spines. I can see Ruby radiating out the energy as she bounds forward, wondering how it comes out of these strange creatures on such long legs, with such thin necks.
The Emus are here after being shipped from Australia and then being pushed aside and neglected after a quick fad of gourmet restaurants charging enormous amounts for a seared piece of meat, or a daub of whipped Emu egg. Their worth attached so quickly to the changing tides of taste, the experimental, and then, as quickly dropped when the next curiosity arrives.
The Emu have come to the ranch by court order–to live out their days naturally amongst themselves–being worthy enough in their own expression of who and what they are.
They are curious, the Emus–they come along the fence in their ancient being, in their quick striding over the ground, in the ‘flocking’ of their feathers up around their necks into beautiful sconce-like collars as they stride next to me and look me in the eye. For a moment, I feel as if I am in some ancient ritual, some ancient rite of recognition, of being witnessed.
These birds–related to Ostriches–are ancestors of the dinosaurs, and they do not fly. Beneath all their feathering, their wings are like tiny rudders used to balance themselves as they run–sometimes up to speeds of 30mph.
As we look at each, and I catch the dark amber of their eyes, I feel myself become alive in the presence of their curiosity, to the presence of the shared moment–them with their striding necks, curious insight, and I, in my rubber boots, in the chilled air, in the cloudy day, and in the fullness of the moment.
I am breathing everything that is–seeing it in its immense detail…its immense beauty…
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It is so easy to wake in the morning, to see the day, and then begin to think of all the things that need to be done, and how they should be done, and what they should look like.
There’s nothing wrong with having things to do-accomplishing tasks, attending to things that speak to us. And there’s nothing wrong with having a desire for something, a vision of who we are–we are here in a world in which we participate in, contribute to, by being who and what we are, but so often we mistake what ‘inspired action’ is, what it truly looks like, and end up ‘efforting’ and struggling to manifest something into reality that we end up expressing in a diminished or far smaller way than what we internally experienced ourselves to be…
And what we imagine ourselves–experience ourselves–to be internally is available to us.
But so often, we hardly allow ourselves the opportunity to see what our Soul self would like to express, manifest into expression. And we hardly allow ourselves to see what is really present, what is really on offer to us from the Universe, which is often far more than what we imagined.
Instead, we project our desires and expectations, and learned ideas about who it is we think we are, or who it is we ought to be–should be–onto the day, onto reality, and without intending to, we do this from a place of fear, a place of not yet having, not yet being, a place of lack… A place that requires an ‘efforting after’ the idea of ourselves, a place that more often than not exhausts and eventually disappoints us.
And we miss the gifts on offer right in front of us…
So many of us are taught to ‘achieve’, to do, but not shown how ‘to be’, or how to experience the importance of Being, and how to come into alignment with the truth of who and what we are so we can allow naturally the expression of our deepest selves.
Instead, we operate from a feeling of lack, of not yet Being, and thus operate from a place of ‘control’: “If I am to get this or be this, this is what I must do, this is how it should happen, this is how it should look, this is how I will accept it, and when I will accept it– when I expect it.”
So many rules, so many restrictions…so many barriers we construct to allowing and receiving.
The Mindful Heart tells us over and over again, “We create what we feel…” so if we operate from a place of ‘lack’, of ‘not yet having’ or ‘not yet being’…then that is exactly what we get–lack, the ongoing ‘not yet’… because we lead with that energy… we lead with that feeling in our energetic field….
And because we’ve gotten all these ideas worked up in our heads about working towards something, we strive hard in the playground of our illusions, in the playground of our rules and wants, our desires, and our ideas of what should be and how it should arrive. We project all that onto reality, and it has no real place to ground itself because it is not part of the expression of who we are in that moment.
Sara Landon, transformational leader, entrepreneur, and channel of The Council, has so often said, “We have to claim something first energetically, claim it first in possibility… say 'yes' to it and feel it. We have to recognize we already are everything we envision ourselves to be–we wouldn’t have the vision of it, if we weren’t already this somewhere… We need only allow the expression, the manifestation, to arise through us in physical form…’ and then things do start to miraculously show up, occur….
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I am learning to pause here on the ranch–where I didn’t expect to be–and actually take ‘stock’ of how often I enter into all those ‘shoulds’, all those ‘expectations’, all those ‘willful ideas’ that belong to the past, or to how I think things should be and look like based upon an external idea. All those shoulds that have already been–been there, done that–by somebody else or me earlier in my life. Whether it’s the relationship I ‘wanted’ and envisioned in specific ways or the work that would sustain me in a way that is aligned to who I think I am…
I am learning instead to invite myself in and to sit down and write down those ‘should’ ideas–those expectations of how things should occur and what they should look like. I am learning to do this to help myself see where I am operating from them, where I am trying to control things based upon an idea of how I think things should be, instead of allowing and trusting that things will unfold and reveal themselves to me as I need and am able to see them.
I am learning to see more clearly where I am operating solely within the machinations of the mind or solely in the feelings of ‘want’ or 'hope' (which are based in lack) rather than being in mind-heart coherency where intuition, the sudden insight, the gut feeling of direction arises with such ease, and I simply know what the next task is, the next step is, the next direction is.
And I am learning this through inviting myself in:
“I invite you in, Allannah…I invite you in with open arms…I invite you in with Love…”
And when I come into that loving space within myself through breathing deeply and calmly, and I can feel my own self tenderly, lovingly, I write down what I’ve been expecting, hoping for, and trying to control how it will happen, and what it will look like, and where I am thinking that I have to ‘accomplish’, ‘achieve’, this or that in order to Be or in order to embody the truth of who and what I am or what I desire.
I am learning instead to ask:
What is it I expect to happen?
How am I trying to control it?
What will it take for me to let my idea of it go?
What lack or fear is attaching me to this expectation,
this desire for control, this particular outcome or ‘should’?
And then I release these back to Source…
“I release these…. back to Source with love, ease, and grace. I release these ideas of…
back to Source with love, ease, and grace. And I am grateful for everything they have
taught me…but I give them back... I release them back to Source with love, ease, and
grace.”
It is not easy. It is not easy because it invites up all those places within me that at one time or another was told or somehow experienced, “You are not worthy of this. You’ll never have or achieve this… You’re not good enough...” So deep, and so unconscious these are… But they are there–unconscious limiting beliefs, energetic patterns that we actually end up leading our lives with. Energetic patterns we actually emit into the world around us as energy and thus push away, repel, the very thing we desire.
And then I see too it’s not actually the idea of what I want, but the feeling of being worthy of it, of being enough just as I am…
So often now those parts of me that don’t feel deserving, worthy, and that have long been buried, come into awareness…and they come into awareness with tenderness, love…and without judgement. They come into awareness wanting to be loved, and released…ready to hear and experience the knowing, “You are enough… You are loved just as you are..” And when I truly feel that, truly feel the worthiness and love… Joy comes…inspiration comes…insight comes and I know the next one step, the next one task I need to take, to attend to…
And miraculously, things do show up, work out….
The Mindful Heart asks us over and over again to ‘compassionate’ ourselves, to ‘co-passion’ with ourselves: allow ourselves to feel so that we can release what no longer serves us, so we can feel not only our adequacy, but the beautiful truth of who and what we are–these energetic Soul Beings who are an aspect of the Divine come to know itself and express through form…
And when we take responsibility for ourselves–for everything we feel, experience–instead of blaming, instead of calling someone up and saying, “You made me….” we are ready to release those patterns… We are ready to accept the gifts of their presence in our lives, the knowing of how we limited ourselves needlessly. And this knowing becomes part of the expression of who and what we are… It is our wisdom, our acknowledging of the truth of who and what we are as an aspect of the Divine. And we no longer allow ourselves to be in situations or with people who harm us, disregard us, or no longer bring us Joy…
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When I ask from this place of knowing who I am… “Please show me how it is I can attend to what it is I need to attend to today….” The ‘next task’, the next thing to be attended to, is not ‘effortful’ striving–not an immense list of ‘to dos’, but a thoughtful, mindful, presence because my mind and heart have come into alignment, energetic alignment, with who and what it is I am manifesting in expression, and there is no distance then between me and the thing it is I am doing. It is not something ‘out there’ to be accomplished…. It is already who and what I am… An expression of my own Being. The activity becomes an expression of who I am…
So many of us know this being-doing as a state of ‘flow’–when the doing is just happening and time dissolves…
How often the daunting technical task is easily accomplished, how often the person who knows something I need to learn and is willing to assist me simply shows up–comes online and gratefully offers their assistance. And an invitation to come be somewhere shows up. The next destination becomes clear. And the mind is not weighing this choice versus that choice. Not thinking ‘right way’ or ‘wrong way’–It is simply present to what has shown itself to be attended to and is thoughtfully engaged, curious.
And so it is, I get to “Be” in the truth of who and what it is I am as I align to the energetic expression of what it is I am being guided to embody…. But we don’t have to wait or hope for this state of flow to happen–we can invite it in:
“I invite you in, Allannah [your own name]… I invite you in with open arms. I invite you
with love…”
And we imagine some version of our self, some aspect of our self, that needs our attention coming into our heart, and our higher self being there with him or her. And allowing the higher self to say, “It’s Ok. We’ve got this…We’re here with you...We've got this....”
How much easier it is to feel then, to allow ourselves to see things exactly how they are–in all their beauty, tenderness, sorrow, love, pain, constriction, joy or mess. But the gift of this is… we are not operating any longer in the illusions of want, hope, expectations…the should and the oughts… We are allowing ourselves to see things as they truly are… and then, the next step, the next step on the path is illuminated, literally becomes apparent.
And we don’t have to go on the road to learn this…we don’t necessarily have to leave a place, a home, an occupation to learn this. We can claim things into Being by inviting ourselves in and allowing…but more often than not, change does come…the new comes at the expense of the old. So many times, I’ve heard the Guides, channeled by Paul Selig, say, “The new comes at the expense of the old…”
To come into the truth of who we are and its expression, the old ideas of who we think we are, the old ways of being, have to be released. We have to allow ourselves to release what causes pain, suffering, constriction–first within ourselves. No matter how uncomfortable it might initially make us feel, no matter how ‘used to’ the suffering we’ve become and don't want to let it go.
We can’t cling to the old and simultaneously open our hands to receive the new. If we can’t release and open our hands, the new, or what’s on offer to us, floats right by us…and it’s not even seen by us because we are too busy clinging to the suffering, the lack, the want, or the shoulds and ought to’s… Or, we’re simply too busy clinging to the old.
And we will grieve the letting go of the old, the familiar, the safety of the known–what’s been tried and true but no longer is aligned with who we are energetically. And we need to allow ourselves to tenderly grieve and be grateful for how these things have served us–no matter what they are– what situation or person or thing. We do not need to judge them or ‘think’ them wrong.
We don’t mean to, but so many of us have never been shown how not to judge, compare, how not to control, how not to operate from ‘I must accomplish this through ‘efforting’ if I want to be who I think I am, if I want to be identified as… if I want to do or express as…’.
But Being in the truth of who and what we are…doing is an expression of Being. It is not a task, a to do list… a ‘check that off activity…’
So often, we treat identity like an object–like the many objects we hope to have and strive for in our worlds–the car we want, the house we want, the ‘job’ we acquire, the fun we engage in, the people we think we should associate with, etc… So who we want to be is always ‘out there’ in someone else’s recognition, someone else’s approval, someone else’s conferring upon us–when in truth it is in us, is us, uniquely in each and everyone of us… We need only allow it to unfold inside us.
We need only allow ourselves to reveal ourselves to ourselves…the true nature of who and what we are.
This does not mean we get to skip the steps to learn what we need to learn to embody our truth–the technical skills we might need, the information needed to help bring something into being. But it does mean that the efforting, the struggle, the doing from a place of ‘not having’, or a place of ‘striving after’, begins to fall away. And it falls away because we release it…we open our hands and release it…. And each present task, activity, becomes a beautiful detail of the mosaic of who we are. The Mandala of our Being, Jung would say.
We get up and go for a walk when we feel weighed down with expectation, or ought to's. We walk a dirt road that leads us to being witnessed when we are ready to allow ourselves to be available to the truth of who and what we are in the moment…
And sometimes, we get to be witnessed by Emus and their guttural drumming…and we feel our feet in our rubber boots, the cloudy day, the chilled air...
And it is done with and through an expression of Love…of Being…. Curiosity…
We allow the efforting to be released. And we keep on releasing it–by continually offering all the expectations and all the ‘shoulds’ back to Source–releasing them with love, ease, and grace…each time they arise… We keep doing this until we finally stop generating them, stop claiming them into form in our minds… When we stop believing we are not worthy enough.
And we can ask to be shown the ‘what next…’
But how and when it comes may not be how ‘we’ expect it.
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When I knew I wanted to offer intuitive energy sessions, wanted to offer what was coming through me to others, I wanted to do it from where I lived in Woodstock. I wanted it to happen the way “I thought it should happen…based upon what I had already been exposed to, based upon what I had already seen in the world”, based upon something that had already been done by someone else. Based upon the illusion of safety and comfort of where I was. But that was all someone else’s truth, someone else’s idea, someone else’s journey and arrival.
And The Mindful Heart reminds us, “We must not judge ourselves for this… We do this not from conscious intention, but from having been schooled in ‘effort’, in ‘requirement’, in ‘should’, in prior models, and in idealizing someone or something outside ourselves… We do this from a lack of understanding of what it means to ‘allow’… We do this from a lack of knowing who and what we truly are…
What we eventually end up expressing, may indeed look similar to another, but we brought it into expression, into manifestation, through the truth of our own Being, through our own journeying in allowing.
I started this trip a month ago, and I kept trying to ‘figure out’ the why–looking somehow outside myself for the answer and ‘seeking’ to understand. But it is not about looking for understanding…it is about allowing the understanding, the knowing, to reveal itself through me, in me, by simply Being… The understanding, the knowing becomes us, becomes an expression of us. And it does do this–it infuses our physical expression as we allow ourselves to let go the expectations, the fears, the desires, and the timing…
And when we do this, we get to see ourselves with the Eyes of the Beloved, with the eyes of the Divine–who sees us in our worth, and who knows there is no wrong way…and that there is no right way either… There is only Love and the freedom of choice and the unfolding within us, the revealing ourselves to ourselves–to the truth of who and what we are…and then the path forward is simply illuminated…one flag stone at a time, one activity at a time, one inspired, one-breathed-into-activity at a time.
‘Inspired action’–the action that is full of presence, full of our breathing through it…not our efforting in it…
In our surrender to it, it breathes through us. In our allowing, it infuses us…first as we claim it in possibility, and then, as we are able to allow the energies to infuse our physical form so that we become the expression of that Being, that knowing…
There is no separation then between the Being and the doing…
We simply are… And we are worthy enough simply in the presence, in the expression, of who and what we are…ancient Beings come to witness… come to learn who and what we are in expression…
And we get to feel the love…the connection…
In gratitude….
Allannah
And to those who offered gifts of donation this last week–please know, Ruby and I are,
indeed, deeply honored…deeply grateful...