Giving Ourselves Permission: Becoming the Expression of Who We Are

Updated: Jan 24, 2020

for Cara...

It has been a long and short journey since I drove from the west to see T. (last two posts) and then returned to Woodstock. A long and short journey through allowing myself to release pain and disappointment, and more of my old self, and who she thought she was. But it has also been a journey through calm and patient allowance, as I witness, observe myself, and begin to more fully integrate so much of what I learned on my journey–what the earth itself gave me, taught me, and continues to teach me.

Time moves so much more quickly these day–then too at moments, I fear I am not moving fast enough, and then I see everything is moving as it is suppose to–in its own Divine timing. Like this post that was started in September but did not reach fruition until now.

Some days though, I don’t feel this sense of divine timing. I spent a long time being a professor and an administrator–I am used to being in control, getting things done on my timing, my schedule, my dime, and not the Divine’s. But when we ‘retrieve’ our Soul, our Spirit back from the authority of the external world and allow it to turn inward towards its own divine heart nature–all those ‘shoulds’, all those schedules and plans and trajectories defined by someone else–they all disappear. There’s only releasing, maturation, shifting energies and openings. There’s only the present and our intention in it–not a role, a map, or a set of defined stages for your career, your life. Instead, we simply suddenly see and experience ourselves as being energetically different enough that we can act with inspired action towards a new vision.

There’s no ‘efforting’ as if one is rolling a boulder uphill–that monumental effort of moving forward with some Sisyphean strength; nor, the need for control. Instead, it feels as if one ‘ripens’ into action, matures into it somehow physically. Like the movement we experience each year towards fall.

I love these days of fall–the green almost exhausted, the yellows and oranges hanging out waiting for their precise moment to let go, to release. Nights cool. The sun rising to so much dew, and the tall grasses letting loose their burs, their seed, as they bend into a stronger leaning. So often the nights steer clear and the stars sail like so many gods in the sky.

We know it’s almost gone… the pumpkins like flaming orbs now, their dense meats waiting to fill pies, vegetable roasts, a gift of nourishment.

And it is a maturing into the light, a natural expression of our own abundance…. A maturing into the sun even when there is cloud cover and the nights grow longer.

“Season of mist and mellow fruitfulness…Close bosom friend of the maturing sun..”

When we mature into the light, ripen into it, we give ourselves permission, we allow ourselves to Be in the Truth of who and what we are not only with ourselves but with others. And when we embody our knowing so that it becomes a natural expression of our Being, that is when we act. It is a process of acceptance, a process of embodiment, a process of allowance as we release old ideas about ourselves and the world.

“The truth of who you are has always been present, “says The Mindful Heart, “You need only reveal it to yourself…” The form, the expression of Being, is already inside the stone. It needs only to be revealed.

Easy? No. Hard? Yes. And No.

I love what my friend Pamela once said, “This sure isn’t for the faint of heart, is it?”


We are always maturing into ourselves, especially when we are in a great process of transformation. And we don’t get to be passive if we are allowing ourselves to blossom into the light. I had been and have been watching this process in myself–allowing myself new ways of Being and expressing in the world. Some days, I was bright and luminous like ripe fruit fallen to the earth; other days, I was a sad sack of emotion releasing as I wanted to crawl back into bed. To know when to act, to know when the action has ripened into itself and is not action based in fear, or driven by the direction of the mind, but an embodied expression. To allow oneself to ‘mature into the light…’

Though I have been channeling for a small group and offering intuitive energy sessions for almost two years now, I had yet to engage others in and with the landscape in an intentional manner–something that felt like it was always present, there waiting to be stepped into. The closest I had come is with my friend, Cara, when she visited in New York, and we held our own private retreat on the side of a mountain where I lived at the time. And then in Sedona in July, Cara visited again, and this time it was a full-on intentional engagement with the land.

I had visited Sedona and the area several times already on my trip, spent deep time there, but always alone. Now, for over a week, here was Cara–open, willing, and ready to experience a deep engagement with the land within her own self. And she was grateful, “for my stewardship, guidance”.

On our drive to Sedona, after she had arrived at the airport in Las Vegas, C. told me, she’d had a dream a night or two prior–about a snake, about Kundalini rising in the body. It had shown her that this trip would be about Shakti–the raising of it, the letting of its fires rise up through the luminous and physical body to bring into vision what is present within us–the beautiful multi-dimensionality of ourselves, our world, and its receptive nature…

It turns out, her dream could not have proven to be more prescient. It turns out, there was a lot of reception, receiving during our visit.

Facilitating or guiding others into their own greater or heightened awareness of the landscape, the earth, and its connections to the Universe was not something I ever expected to be doing–I was not even sure it was ‘real’ or ‘something others could be guided to, or, did not already experience deeply’. I knew this heightened awareness when I was young, but I also thought, “Everyone must see these things, experience this…” But as I grew up, I learned others did not, and eventually, out of being quieted and conditioned by what I was taught and thought appropriate to express, I closed much of this awareness off––for a long time. Many of us do this, do this unconsciously. Until, we don’t have a choice in the matter, and it burst into our lives and asks for our attention, or erupts unconsciously through illness, disease and we either face and allow it to express through us or spend our days tending to dis-ease.

For me, it simply broke into my days–this deeper vision of the energetic presence of our reality, of nature, and its connection to other states of consciousness, timelines, and the Universe. It broke through while traveling– in Costa Rica, Jordan, Turkey, Myanmar, several places in Central Asia and further east. It became apparent, in fact, in ways that I could literally see it as I did when I was young––and not always through normal vision. And the more I tried to ‘shut it off’ or ‘out’ or ‘constrict it’ as I went about my daily life and work, trying to keep it separate, the more exhausted–literally physically–my body became. Not only exhausted but bloated, stressed, pressured, and out of shape. And by not letting these energies move through me, by not letting these sights, these perceptions move through me and be consciously aware of them, actually tend to them, I was also beginning to feel disconnected––from myself, and thus, my friends, colleagues, and the world I inhabited–because I was trying to shut off a central part of my own Being, my own nature.

In fact, when I first started reaching out to others to help me understand the experiences I was having, I worked with a woman who was initially a clinical psychologist with a Jungian background, and then she herself shifted her work to transpersonal psychology and eventually focused entirely on intuitive energy work with clients after training in a variety of modalities. Her academic work ‘helped’ she said–it was useful as a reference point to be pointed to in the world for others, but it was the intuitive energy work that helped bring about real grounded change for people.

It is she who first looked at me and said, “My God, you must be exhausted! Literally contracting yourself, closing yourself down, to not feel, to not see all this, to pretend it doesn’t exist so yo